U.S. Farm Census Reveals Shocking Loss of Farms
Farmers Suggest “Try Restarting the Country”
By Grainy McLaughlin, Agriculture Satirist
The 2022 U.S. Agricultural Census has dropped, and the numbers are so grim that even the cows are mooing in solidarity. In just five years, the U.S. lost nearly 142,000 farms and 20.1 million acres of farmland, while farmers saw their expenses skyrocket like corn prices during a drought. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack called it a “wake-up call,” but judging by the reactions from farmers, it feels more like a collective facepalm.
With farm losses piling up, “Hollywood should make a film about this—Field of Fewer Dreams.
Fewer Farms, More Stress
With fewer farms and rising costs, those left standing are working harder than ever. “I used to farm 50 acres,” said one farmer. “Now I feel like I’m farming for the entire county.”
Therapists report a rise in mental health concerns among farmers. “They’re juggling more stress than ever,” said one counselor. “It’s like they’re superheroes, except they don’t get capes—just dirt.”
Farmers themselves remain stoic. “Stress? Sure, I’ve got that,” said one. “But you don’t get to quit. You just keep going until the next harvest.”
Fewer Farms, Fewer Farmers: The Plot of a Sad Indie Movie
With farm losses piling up, some farmers joke that Hollywood should take note. “They should call it Field of Fewer Dreams,” said one. “But make it a comedy, so we don’t all cry.”
Even the cows seem worried. “If there’s a movie,” said a farmer, “they’d better cast me as the hero. And give me a happy ending, because I sure could use one.”
Farm Size Increases: Proof That Bigger Isn’t Always Better
The average farm size ballooned to 463 acres, but not because farmers are thriving. “It’s like being the last kid left on the playground—you look bigger by default,” said a farmer in Iowa.
Data from the USDA showed that mid-size operations shrank the most, leaving behind a few mega-farms and struggling small plots. Neighbors have taken to joking that their backyards are now “certified ranches.”
Even a local farming equipment dealer got in on the humor, advertising tractors as “perfect for your unnecessarily large but totally struggling operation.”
Farms Vanish, but Farmer Age Increases: Coincidence?
The average farmer is now 58.1 years old, sparking concern that agriculture might be the new retirement home. “We’re not losing farms; we’re just consolidating them into geriatric clubs,” joked a 65-year-old farmer from Kansas.
Statistics show that farmers under 35 make up less than 10% of the industry. Meanwhile, a 30-year-old aspiring farmer asked, “Why would I get into farming when I could just invest in crypto and lose my money faster?”
Community groups are launching campaigns to attract younger farmers, but participation remains low. One organizer admitted, “It’s hard to compete with jobs that don’t require milking cows at 5 a.m.”
Losing 20.1 Million Acres: Did Someone Check Under the Couch?
The census revealed that 20.1 million acres of farmland have disappeared, leaving many farmers scratching their heads. “What, did it get raptured?” asked a bewildered rancher.
Aerial surveys show much of the land has been converted into housing developments and warehouses. “You can’t grow corn on concrete,” said a frustrated farmer from Ohio.
Even satellite images reveal urban sprawl creeping into former farmland, leading one agronomist to quip, “At this rate, the only thing we’ll grow is traffic jams.”
Small Farms Shrink, Big Farms Blink
Even farms over 1,000 acres are feeling the pinch. “Turns out, the bigger they are, the harder they fall,” said a farmer whose operation recently downsized to 800 acres. “It’s like trying to juggle flaming chainsaws—you’re going to drop one eventually.”
Industry reports show that input costs for large-scale farms have risen by 25%, making it harder to sustain growth. Meanwhile, small-scale farmers are left to wonder, “If they’re struggling, what hope do we have?”
Ag economists argue that diversification could help, but one farmer retorted, “Sure, I’ll diversify—just as soon as money grows on trees.”
Farm Expenses Up 23%: Inflation Even Hits the Hay
Farmers have been hit with a 23% increase in production expenses, leaving them scrambling to make ends meet. “At this point, I’m paying my cows to eat,” said a dairy farmer in Wisconsin.
USDA data confirmed that feed costs have doubled in some regions, while fertilizer prices remain sky-high. One farmer admitted, “I seriously considered selling my tractor to pay for fertilizer.”
Experts note that global supply chain issues have exacerbated the problem, but farmers remain unimpressed. “Great, blame the supply chain,” said one. “Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to grow crops with good vibes and duct tape.”
1.4% of Farms Account for 50% of Sales: The New Monopoly
With half of agricultural sales concentrated in just 1.4% of farms, small farmers are feeling left out. “We’re over here playing checkers while they’re playing Monopoly,” said a frustrated farmer.
Studies show that large-scale operations benefit from economies of scale, but smaller producers argue that the system is rigged. “We’re stuck on Baltic Avenue, and they own Boardwalk and Park Place,” said one.
Farmers markets have become a haven for small-scale producers, but even those face challenges. “It’s hard to compete when your competition owns a fleet of combines,” said a local vendor.
Livestock Feed Costs Skyrocket: Cows Demand Pay Raises
The rising cost of livestock feed has left farmers joking that their cows are considering unionizing. “I’m expecting them to show up with signs that say ‘Moo-vement for Fair Feed,’” said one rancher.
Market data shows that feed prices have doubled since 2020, forcing some producers to reduce herd sizes. “It’s heartbreaking,” said a cattle farmer. “I had to sell three cows just to feed the rest.”
Animal behaviorists have observed signs of stress in livestock, leading one to quip, “At least the cows and farmers are on the same page now.”
Farmers Vanish, but TikTok Thrives
The number of farmers decreased slightly, leading some to wonder where they’ve all gone. “Maybe they’re all influencers now,” said one ag teacher. “Forget tractors; they’re plowing TikTok trends instead.” A 30-year-old who left farming to make viral videos confirmed, “Why get dirty when I can earn sponsorships for wearing flannel shirts and holding a pumpkin?”
Agricultural colleges have reported declining enrollment, with students citing the unpredictability of the industry. Meanwhile, social media companies are reportedly creating farm-themed filters, sparking hope for a “Farmfluencer” renaissance.
Younger Farmers Needed: Wi-Fi Optional
With the average farmer now over 58, attracting younger generations to agriculture has become a top priority. “Sure, farming sounds fun,” said a millennial. “Until you realize you’re one bad storm away from bankruptcy.”
Programs to recruit young farmers have included subsidized loans, mentorships, and even free workshops. One organizer admitted, “We tried everything. We even offered free coffee, but they said, ‘Where’s the oat milk?’”
Meanwhile, farmers over 70 remain unconcerned. “We’ll figure it out,” said one, adjusting his overalls. “If we can’t find replacements, we’ll just live forever.”
Production Costs vs. Inflation: The Fight No One Wins
Farmers are battling rising expenses across the board, with input costs soaring by 23%. “I’d fight inflation, but I can’t afford the gloves,” quipped a corn grower. “At this point, I’m thinking about moonlighting as a mechanic just to pay for seeds.”
Local feed stores are offering installment plans to desperate farmers, while others are considering crowdfunding. “I’ll start a GoFundMe if it means I don’t have to sell my tractor,” one said.
Economists predict further financial strain, but farmers remain resilient. “If inflation’s going to beat me, it’s going to have to do it while I’m out here planting corn,” said another.
Tom Vilsack’s Wake-Up Call, But Congress Hit Snooze
Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack called the census a “wake-up call” for policymakers, but farmers aren’t convinced anyone’s paying attention. “Wake-up call? More like a nap alarm,” joked one grower. “They’ve been snoozing since 2017.”
One farmer suggested inviting Congress to a day in the field. “Let them try planting soybeans in 100-degree heat,” he said. “Then we’ll see how fast they get serious.”
Despite the skepticism, USDA officials insist the data will inform future policy changes. “Sure,” said one dairy farmer. “Right after they finish their three-hour lunch breaks.”
Ag Census and the Loss of 142,000 US Farms
15 Observations About the Ag Census and the Loss of 142,000 US Farms
- Farm Size Increases: Proof That Bigger Isn’t Always Better
While the average farm size increased to 463 acres, some farmers joked that it’s just because there are fewer neighbors to compare to. “If we keep losing farms, my backyard will be considered a ranch,” quipped one. - Farms Vanish, but Farmer Age Increases: Coincidence?
With the average age of farmers now 58.1, it seems like they’re playing a long game of Survivor. “We’re not losing farms; we’re just consolidating them into retirement plans,” joked a 65-year-old farmer. - Losing 20.1 Million Acres: Did Someone Check Under the Couch?
The loss of agricultural acreage sparked jokes about where all that land went. “I bet half of it’s parking lots and the other half is Amazon warehouses,” speculated one rural resident. - Small Farms Shrink, Big Farms Blink
Even operations over 1,000 acres saw declines. “We always thought bigger was safer,” said one large-scale farmer. “Turns out, bigger just means a louder thud when you fall.” - Farm Expenses Up 23%: Inflation Even Hits the Hay
With production costs surging, farmers joked about listing their cows on eBay. “At these prices, it’s cheaper to have a lawnmower and call it a day,” one farmer said. - 1.4% of Farms Account for 50% of Sales: The New Monopoly
“I’d like to buy Boardwalk and Park Place, please,” said one of the elite 1.4%. Meanwhile, small farmers grumbled, “We’re stuck on Baltic Avenue, trying not to land on a utility.” - Livestock Feed Costs Skyrocket: Cows Demand Pay Raises
“Between feed prices and labor costs, I’m expecting my cows to unionize any day now,” said a dairy farmer. “I can’t even afford to bribe them with extra alfalfa.” - Decline in Farmers: Did TikTok Steal Them All?
The slight drop in producers has many wondering where everyone went. “Maybe they traded tractors for TikTok dances,” said one frustrated ag teacher. - Younger Farmers Needed: But Where Are They?
“We need younger people in agriculture,” Vilsack said, to which a millennial replied, “Sure, just as soon as farming comes with free Wi-Fi and a coffee shop.” - 23% Expense Increase: Farmers vs. Inflation in a Cage Match
Farmers are battling rising costs across the board. “I’d fight inflation,” said one farmer, “but I can’t afford the gloves.” - Tom Vilsack’s Wake-Up Call: Did Congress Hit Snooze?
Vilsack’s statement about a wake-up call for policymakers had one farmer commenting, “Yeah, but they probably rolled over and went back to sleep.” - The Census as a Guide: But Who’s Listening?
“Great, now we know the numbers,” said one farmer. “Can they also send someone to help with my next fertilizer bill?” - Fewer Farms, More Stress: The American Dream Turns Into a Hustle
Farmers are doing more with less, with some joking that their job description now includes “superhero.” “I grow crops, raise animals, and apparently save the world,” said one farmer. - Acreage Lost: Can We Get a Refund?
The census numbers show a staggering 20.1 million acres lost. “Can we trade it back for some affordable farmland?” asked one young aspiring farmer. - Fewer Farms, Fewer Farmers: The Plot of a Sad Indie Movie
With farm losses piling up, one farmer suggested, “Hollywood should make a film about this—Field of Fewer Dreams.”
These observations highlight the challenges farmers face with humor, even as they work through the struggles of a shifting agricultural landscape.
