Georgia’s New Hemp Law Has Teens Crying Into Their CBD Gummies
Strict Age Limits on Hemp Leave Georgia’s Youth Wondering: What’s Left to Snack On?
Atlanta, GA — where the buzz is now exclusively legislative!
In a twist that no Georgia teenager saw coming, the state’s new hemp law, which bans the sale of consumable hemp products to anyone under 21, has thrown the teenage population into a tailspin. This once-chill demographic is now facing the harsh reality of life without their beloved CBD gummies, and it’s not pretty. From struggling with calculus to plotting trips to California, Georgia teens are discovering that navigating life without hemp is more stressful than the SATs.
The most immediate effect of the new law has been what experts are calling “The Great Edible Exodus.” Teens across Georgia are now scrambling to find ways to access their favorite CBD-infused snacks—mostly by daydreaming of greener, more hemp-friendly pastures. California has become the promised land, and a one-way ticket west now ranks high on every 17-year-old’s wish list, right after new AirPods and a passable calculus grade.
“I’d rather surf than deal with my geometry test without a gummy,” said Jason, a junior from Cobb County who, like many others, is eyeing California as his new home. “It’s either that or actually study, and honestly, I’d rather pack my bags.”
As absurd as it sounds, this new wave of adolescent wanderlust might have some unintended consequences. Travel agencies are reportedly fielding more inquiries from high schoolers than ever before. One agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that they’ve had several teens call in with questions like, “How hard is it to transfer schools to California?” and “Do I need my parents’ permission to move if I’m 18 next year?”
Georgia’s hemp exiles may not be leaving just yet, but one thing’s for sure: they’re dreaming about it.
Goodbye, Weekend Chill, Hello, Math Test Anxiety
Back in Georgia, reality is setting in. For students who relied on CBD gummies to get through stressful school days, the struggle is now real—especially when it comes to math class. “I used to pop a gummy and sail through algebra,” said Ashley, a sophomore at North Atlanta High School. “Now? I’m barely holding it together.”
Test prep companies across the state are bracing for the fallout, expecting SAT scores to take a nosedive in the coming months. “We used to advertise our test prep courses with the promise of ‘relaxing study strategies,'” said one tutor. “Now, without CBD gummies in the picture, it’s all anxiety, all the time. We’re considering adding meditation classes to our offerings.”
Local Gas Station Stockpiles Chex Mix
Gas station attendants, once used to the daily rush of teens buying edibles, have been caught off guard by the sudden shift in snack preferences. With no CBD gummies left to sell, they’ve resorted to stocking up on Chex Mix in the hopes that no one will notice.
But teens have noticed. “Chex Mix? Really?” scoffed one teen as he stood in line at a gas station in Macon. “I’m supposed to eat this and feel… calm? I don’t think so.”
Local convenience store owners are doing their best to adapt, but sales haven’t exactly skyrocketed. “We’re trying to push the Chex Mix as the new ‘chill snack,’” said Mark, a cashier at a Quick Stop in Augusta. “But honestly, the kids aren’t buying it—literally or figuratively.”
TikTok Trends Shift: From Edible Reviews to Meditation Tips
Georgia’s teens are nothing if not resourceful, and when they can’t find external sources of relaxation, they turn to their phones. TikTok, once a haven for CBD gummy reviews, has now pivoted to a new focus: mindfulness and meditation.
“Welcome to my new series, ‘Zen Without Gummies,’” began @CBDGoneForReal in a recent post, which racked up over 10,000 views. “Today we’re talking about deep breathing and how it’s literally the only thing keeping me from losing my mind.”
Teens across the state are taking up mindfulness practices with varying degrees of success. “I tried meditating,” said one user in a follow-up video, “but without my gummies, all I could think about was how much I miss them.”
The trend is catching on, but it’s clear that Georgia’s teens haven’t found their zen just yet.
Georgia’s Highways Safer… Until the Caffeine Kicks In
Not all of the changes brought by the hemp law have been bad. Experts have noted a 50% drop in “mellow driving” incidents across the state. “It used to be that you’d see a lot of slow, cautious drivers out on the highway, probably a little too relaxed from their gummies,” said Officer Bob from the Georgia State Patrol. “Now, people are speeding, cutting each other off. It’s like everyone’s in a rush.”
Unfortunately, this newfound energy isn’t necessarily a good thing. Teens, deprived of their usual mellow state, are turning to caffeine to fill the void left by hemp. Monster energy drinks, Red Bull, and even triple-shot espressos are flying off the shelves as jittery, high-energy teens take to the roads. The result? A lot more accidents and a lot more honking.
“I miss the days when everyone was too chill to care about tailgating,” Officer Bob sighed.
“Hemp-Free Since ’23” T-Shirts Are Selling Like Hotcakes
In response to the hemp ban, a new trend has emerged: ironic “Hemp-Free Since ’23” t-shirts. Teens are donning the shirts in protest, but the message is clear—it’s a cry for help, not a badge of honor.
“It’s like wearing a scarlet letter,” said Kelly, a senior from Savannah. “It says, ‘I’m stressed out, but I’m trying to laugh about it.’”
The shirts, which feature slogans like “Sober AF (After Gummies)” and “No Chill, All Thrill,” are flying off the shelves. But for many teens, the t-shirts are just another reminder of what they’ve lost. “I bought one,” said Kelly, “but I miss my gummies every time I look at it.”
Popcorn: The New Movie Snack
It’s not just yoga studios and schools feeling the effects of Georgia’s hemp ban—movie theaters are seeing it too. Teens, who used to sneak in a couple of CBD gummies to mellow out during the latest horror flick, are now turning to popcorn as a sad replacement.
“I used to sit through horror movies totally relaxed,” said Adam, a junior from Decatur. “Now, I’m jittery and paranoid. Popcorn just doesn’t do it for me.”
Theater managers have noted an uptick in popcorn sales but report that it’s not necessarily a good thing. “Kids are spilling popcorn all over the place,” said Gina, a manager at an AMC in Atlanta. “I used to clean up a couple of wrappers, but now? It’s like a popcorn explosion after every movie.”
Parents’ Secret Stash Now Under Threat
With CBD products now off-limits for under-21s, Georgia teens have turned to a new source: their parents’ secret stash. In what experts are calling the “CBD cabinet crisis,” parents across the state are finding their carefully hidden hemp oils and gummies disappearing.
“I used to keep a bottle of hemp oil in my nightstand,” said Karen, a mother from Savannah. “But since the ban, my son found it. Now I have to hide it in the garage, behind the lawnmower.”
Parents are increasingly finding themselves at odds with their teens, who view the family medicine cabinet as fair game. “My CBD oil was for my arthritis,” said one father. “Now my 17-year-old is using it to ‘relax’ before his history exam. I don’t even know what to say.”
School Lunches Reach Peak Boring
Georgia’s school cafeterias have also been hit by the ban. For years, hemp-infused brownies and snacks had been the go-to choice for students looking to relax during lunch. But now, those days are over.
“School lunches used to be the best part of my day,” said Jessica, a senior at Parkview High. “Now? It’s just regular brownies. What’s the point?”
Students have launched a petition to bring back the hemp-infused brownies, but school administrators have been quick to point out that state laws are out of their hands. “We understand the students’ concerns,” said Principal Miller. “But we can’t just break the law because they’re stressed out about finals.”
Yoga Studios Brace for the Worst
Without their post-yoga hemp oils, Georgia’s yogis are finding it harder and harder to achieve inner peace. “Our classes used to be so calm,” said Bethany, a yoga instructor in Athens. “Now, people are fidgeting more. Savasana just isn’t the same without CBD.”
Studios are doing their best to adapt, but it’s clear that yoga in Georgia has changed. “We’re seeing more tense bodies, more distracted minds,” said another instructor. “It’s almost like the zen has left the building.”
Some students are even turning to alternative relaxation methods, including essential oils and breathing exercises. “I’m trying my best,” said one yogi, “but without my post-class hemp oil, I just feel… heavy.”
Snapchat Filters Get a Sober Update
In the wake of Georgia’s hemp law, even social media platforms have made adjustments. Snapchat, once filled with weed-leaf filters and “CBD haul” captions, has swapped out its playful stoner vibe for something a little more… nutritious. The latest update features kale smoothies, herbal tea infusions, and green juice filters in an attempt to cater to the wellness crowd. Unfortunately, Georgia’s teens aren’t buying it.
“I used to feel cool posting my CBD gummies with the weed filter,” said one disappointed user. “Now it’s just kale and spinach. It’s depressing.”
Despite Snapchat’s efforts to push healthy living, the teens miss their more rebellious days of gummy reviews and hemp-inspired content. The consensus? Kale just doesn’t have the same buzz.
SAT Scores Expected to Plummet
It’s not just school lunches that have gone bland—academic performance is about to take a hit as well. For many Georgia students, CBD was their secret weapon against test anxiety. Now, without their calming gummies, high school juniors and seniors are finding it harder to focus during those all-important SAT prep sessions.
“I used to take a gummy before I studied, and I’d be totally in the zone,” said Emily, a senior from Athens. “Now, I’m just freaking out the whole time.”
Test prep companies are bracing for the impact, with tutors across the state reporting a sudden uptick in student stress levels. “We used to have students come in super relaxed,” said one tutor. “Now, it’s like they’re bouncing off the walls. I’m not sure how these kids are going to get through test season without CBD.”
“Hemp Black Market” Rumors Swirl
With legal options for hemp drying up, the whispers of a “hemp black market” are growing louder in Georgia’s high schools. Forget the days of secret poker rings and underground dance parties—now, it’s all about finding a way to score CBD gummies without the law getting involved.
“I heard there’s a guy who sells gummies behind the football field,” said one student. “But it’s super sketchy, and you have to pay double.”
The allure of underground CBD deals has taken over parking lot conversations, with students trading rumors about where to find their favorite snacks. School administrators are aware of the situation but admit they’re playing a game of cat and mouse. “They’re teenagers,” said one principal. “If they want something bad enough, they’ll find a way to get it.”
State Fair Disappointment: No More Hemp Gummies to Win
Georgia’s annual state fair used to be a haven for hemp lovers, with CBD-infused teddy bears and gummies as prizes at the ring toss. But this year, the prize tables look different—much more sober. Instead of hemp-infused goodies, the biggest prize now is a regular old stuffed animal, and teens are less than impressed.
“I used to come to the fair just to win the CBD bears,” said Alex, a 16-year-old fairgoer. “Now I’m stuck with this boring stuffed thing. It’s not even infused with anything!”
Fair vendors have tried to keep spirits high, but the hemp void is palpable. “The kids used to go crazy for the gummies,” said one booth operator. “Now they just win a stuffed bear and walk away disappointed. It’s like we took the soul out of the fair.”
The Hemp-Free Cookbook Hits Shelves
Georgia’s chefs are doing their best to fill the hemp-sized hole left in their menus. Enter The Hemp-Free Cookbook, a new culinary guide designed to help residents get the same relaxing effects of hemp without breaking the law. The book promises to bring calm and peace to your kitchen through a combination of herbs, spices, and superfoods—but the reviews are in, and they’re not glowing.
“Zen Zucchini Bread” and “Calm-omile Cookies” may sound appealing, but the reality is, they just don’t hit like a good old CBD brownie. “I tried making the lavender-infused muffins,” said one home chef. “But I didn’t feel anything except full.”
Despite the cookbook’s best efforts, Georgia residents are skeptical that chamomile and lavender can ever truly replace their beloved hemp products. But hey, at least they’re trying.
15 Humorous Observations on Georgia’s New Hemp Laws
- The Great Edible Exodus
Teens across Georgia are now booking flights to California because, let’s face it, it’s either that or actually doing their homework. - Goodbye, Weekend Chill, Hello, Math Test Anxiety
High schoolers are now forced to face the harsh realities of calculus… without the calming effects of CBD gummies. Scary stuff. - Local Gas Station Stockpiles Chex Mix
With consumable hemp products off the shelves, local convenience stores are replacing edibles with Chex Mix and hoping nobody notices. - TikTok Trends Shift: From Edible Reviews to Meditation Tips
Teens are now posting “How to Find Your Inner Peace… Without Hemp.” Spoiler alert: They haven’t found it yet. - Georgia’s Highways Safer… Until the Caffeine Kicks In
Experts predict a 50% drop in “mellow driving” incidents but a sharp rise in jittery, caffeine-fueled road rage. - “Hemp-Free Since ’23” T-Shirts Are Selling Like Hotcakes
Teens are wearing it loud and proud, but we all know it’s just a cry for help. - Popcorn: The New Movie Snack
Theaters report that now, instead of sneaking in hemp gummies, teens are back to sneaking in full bags of microwave popcorn. - Parents’ Secret Stash Now Under Threat
With stricter laws, some teens have found their parents’ “medicine cabinets” suspiciously well-stocked with CBD oils. - School Lunches Reach Peak Boring
Hemp-infused brownies have been replaced by actual brownies, but no one’s laughing about it anymore. - Yoga Studios Brace for the Worst
Without their post-class hemp oils, yogis are fearing that inner zen will soon become an urban myth. - Snapchat Filters Get a Sober Update
Out with the weed leaf filters, in with the kale smoothies. It’s as sad as it sounds. - SAT Scores Expected to Plummet
Test prep companies are bracing for impact as their prime demographic—teens on chill—suddenly vanishes. - “Hemp Black Market” Rumors Swirl
Forget underground poker rings. Georgia teens are now whispering about sketchy CBD deals in high school parking lots. - State Fair Disappointment: No More Hemp Gummies to Win
Teens’ biggest prize from the ring toss used to be hemp-infused teddy bears. Now, it’s just stuffed animals with… stuffing. - The Hemp-Free Cookbook Hits Shelves
Georgia chefs are scrambling to make everyday snacks sound as relaxing as CBD. Spoiler: They’re not.
Disclaimer:
This article was written without the assistance of CBD gummies, hemp oils, or any other consumable hemp products—though we certainly could have used some. Any resemblance to actual teenagers, teachers, or yoga instructors suffering from the hemp ban is purely coincidental, but highly probable. All commentary is a collaborative effort between two sentient, caffeine-fueled humans—definitely not robots. No kale smoothies or chex mix were harmed in the making of this article, but plenty of popcorn was spilled. Consumption of this article may lead to spontaneous laughter, mild frustration, or a strong desire for a good, old-fashioned CBD brownie. Proceed with caution, and remember: chill responsibly.